In many cultures, a patriarchy is an appropriate way to describe society and humanity; whatever the man says goes. A lot of the western cultures mock the eastern cultures for being so open about this lifestyle, but I find it ironic that a culture so in love with the idea of romance mocks another that follows strict traditions. Doesn’t this freedom of emotion give western cultures a chance to emphasize the patriarchal society concept that they so choose to mock? Take for example the dating scene: the man usually asks the woman out, the man usually proposes, and in most cases the man is the one not to return phone calls or even break the relationship altogether. Does the fact that the western world silently gives males an opportunity to take control make patriarchy appropriate?

Women all around the world have made decisions that were influenced by either a man or the idea of a man. The real question is… do men take into consideration women’s feelings when it comes to making a decision?

One of my biggest fears entering my relationship was the fact that one day I could reach a point that I would love my ex more than he loved me. That fear became my downfall when the relationship ended because I, as I had feared, was put in such a situation. My ex did not love me as much as I loved him and that is precisely why ultimately he was never able to stand up for what we had. That is what I am supposed to believe, because that is what logically makes sense. But I can’t get myself to and the reason for that is because of whatever has happened after this breakup.

He still cares about me and I believe that to the fullest. He was the only one there for me when I was drowning in my loneliness. Naturally, I chose to go against all the opinions and the advice and continued to talk to him and gave him a chance to still be a prominent part of my life. So what am I supposed to do when a guy that I respect so much treats me as his puppet?

So when he one day decided to avoid my phone calls so that he “wouldn’t make me feel bad” because he was “too tired to hang out” he is actually trying to say, “I don’t want to see you/ hang out with you tonight.” But every time he wants to see me, I am oh so conveniently available for him and the main reason behind that is because I really do want to see him and hang out with him.

Firstly, would it be so hard to accept my phone calls and tell me to my face that he didn’t want to hang out? If you are going to play the patriarchal game, then play it as a man for heaven’s sake. Secondly, is it the fact that girls tend to be so emotional and soft that they allow for themselves to be the puppets?

Whatever the case is, I cannot allow any man to treat me like his puppet anymore. All I have to say is watch out, because the roles of puppet and puppeteer are about to change.

We constantly make decisions today for a better tomorrow. I am going to study now so I don’t regret it later and do well on my test. I won’t eat that chocolate cake today because it’s going to be in my thighs tomorrow. I guess it’s really good to think about the future, but if we keep thinking about tomorrow, when are we ever going to think about today? Isn’t it so that years ago, we were taking precautions to enjoy today? When are we actually allowed to indulge in temporary temptations?

Throughout my life, I constantly face the dilemma of making a decision that I understand will benefit me now but will hinder me in the long run. In some cases, things turn out to be okay… so I watched an episode of Sex and the City instead of writing my essay and regardless, I was able to complete it on time and also proofread. In other instances, the results don’t work out for me. I haven’t heard my ex’s voice in 2 weeks so I call him, but hearing his voice again makes me fall apart within and makes it harder for me to move on.

So what is the limit when it comes to temporarily satisfying ourselves? Is life all about living in the moment, living for the future, or a balance of both? And even if it is a balance of both, when do we know to draw the line and think about our futures instead of the thinking about the moment? Will we regret in the future that we didn’t take advantage of the moments and opportunities we had in the past?

A great example of this dilemma is deciding on whether or not I should attend an exciting event in Berkeley this year. Annually, there is a Hindi Film Dance Competition, Bollywood Berkeley, which I enjoy attending just to expose myself to the dance routines that these university HFD teams have worked on throughout the year. At the same time, I know that I should be spending every moment of this quarter studying for my MCAT which is slowly approaching. In my heart I know I want to go to the show and enjoy the night off, but at the same time my mind is constantly screaming… those 5 hours are never going to come back… you need to make use of all the time you have. So should I give into temptation? Or should I live based on the notion that my every minute today will make a difference for tomorrow?

It is that time of year again! This is my favorite time of year (aside from my birthday of course) because it’s like spring cleaning of the brain. You get to sift through all the fantastical memories while also rummaging through all the junk of the year. So shall we begin?

2010 proved to be one of the most unstable and life-changing years. I learned a lot about myself and how I react to certain people and in certain situations. I also saw myself in one of the brightest lights during some of the best times of my life; this was a new experience for me. And as good times come and go, my thunderstorm hit me hard. I have never crumbled so much in such a short period of time before and experiencing those emotions were eye opening in ways that are unexplainable.

With these experiences, I feel as though I have just started to understand how to find myself once again. It is from these experiences that I have based my current resolutions on.

My resolution for the year 2011 is to make myself happy. Instead of always caring about others, I need to take the time to think for myself and care for myself. I need to love me for the person that I am and learn never to lose that, regardless of who comes into my life and whatever his/her impact on my life is. I am going to be free and the most important resolution of my life is that for the first time, I will actually allow myself to do so.

I love bridges. It’s the one thing that connects two individual pieces of land and allows them to become one. For me, the bridge was the one thing that allowed for me and my ex to become one. Our relationship began on a bridge (yes, literally… he asked me out on a bridge), and eventually under a large amount of force and a larger amount of pressure, it crumbled. But how does one create a bridge with the right amount of support so that it can endure any amount of pressure or force? What makes a bridge solid?

They say that love feeds a relationship, but can one really say that that’s enough? Our relationship was ideal; it was a Bollywood movie set in reality for heaven’s sake. During the seven months I spent with him, I learned that while I was building a bridge with him, I was building a bridge with myself. Emotions such as happiness, desire, passion, and even love became familiar to me and I began to experience a connectivity with my surroundings and an appreciation for my life that I had never experienced before. We were happy. I was not the only one in this dreamy state of mind, I will promise you that. (I am basing a lot of this post on the feedback that my ex has given me. Although a lot of people have told me not to trust it; I choose to regardless. I do not and will not believe that he wanted to hurt me intentionally and thus I will give him the benefit of the doubt to some extent, until I find a reason not to.)

So what made my bridge with my ex crumble? The construction process of this bridge seemed effortless. The structure seemed to be firm. The bridge was able to support a decent amount of stress. So what was the issue? The foundation. Even though me and my ex were almost carbon copies of each other (regardless of gender of course), the source of our existence, our families, believed in different ideals and had different views regarding the dating scene. Neither of these families believe in something wrong, they just believe in something different. 

Even though I sought for advice from many, it was the advice of my mother that really spoke to me. She said that if the family is putting so much of pressure on the boy that he has to pick between you and his family, obviously he is going to dump you. Regardless of that though, anyone who loves you should be willing to stand up for you and fight for you. I want to believe that he would, but he didn’t.

Why though? Why was I not someone who he wanted to fight for? Why was our relationship something he was not willing to stand up for? We had claimed our love for each other and had made it very clear that we were a prominent part of each other’s lives. Once again, this was mutual. So what was the reason that he wasn’t willing to stand up for what I assumed that he loved?

I wasn’t good enough. And it hits me every night before I go to bed that I just wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t something worth fighting for because I was not special enough to be represented… because in the grand schema of things I was someone who could not give him as much happiness as his family could. I guess that’s fine… but gosh if only I knew what I could have done to have him still be a part of my life. Was it because I was constantly gaining weight throughout the relationship? Was it that I would not give up my virginity? Or was I blinded by my love for him into thinking that his love for me was as strong?

And so every night I go to bed thinking how I can improve myself… so that one day a wonderful man like my ex will actually fight for me and defend me if need be. What I can do to better myself so that I truly am loved and do not have face heartbreak again. 

This break up for me has surprisingly only made new bridges for me: a bridge to all the wonderful memories that clutter my mind every time I am alone, a bridge to my inner angst regarding the helplessness of this situation, and a bridge to my dignity and limits. I realize that I am a person that needs to improve on some aspects of my life, but I also realize that if I am being penalized for gaining weight or for choosing not to give up my virginity, then like the London Bridge, our bridge was doomed to begin with.

so as of today, i have decided that this blog will be used to vent out all my frustrations and anger. and plus it’s better for me to write my thoughts out instead of saying it to someone and hurting his/her feelings.

winter break for me this year has been full of physics equations, enantiomers vs. epimers, and what hormones regulate the cortisol levels of your body. that’s right, it’s the one thing that every pre-med student dreads more than everything else… mcat preparation. studying at home was supposed to be a great thing for me. i was going to take it easy and read through the 15 mcat books i own and just take the material a little at a time and digest the information. this was a very plausible goal, but with the unremarkably high expectations of society and particularly my father, i can’t help but wonder if i should even pursue a career that is making me struggle so much to get there.

it was a very nice late afternoon and i had sparked an interesting conversation with my father regarding alternate career paths to med school. hey, this doesn’t mean i am doubting myself, it just means that i am trying to be prepared for whatever the future holds for me. because i am a genetics major, naturally the idea of genetic counseling is appealing and a fairly good option for me. so i’m talking to my dad about all these options and all my ideas and then the conversation is going well until… “sumati i just don’t think you are serious enough about your academics.”

seriously? you are telling a 20 year old undergraduate student who is working her tail off to become something and who has recently lost some faith in the luck of life that she is not working hard enough and not “serious”? what the hell is that supposed to mean?! okay yes if i was all play and no work, i would understand it and take it into consideration… but hearing that i am not “serious” after weeks of effort and a good improvement in my knowledge and score is not something i want to hear. how high can a person’s expectations be? oh and mind you, i was the one who started the whole, “dad this is what i think about my career options” discussion.

do some parents really just have some unrealistic mind sets and expectations for their kids? and if so, why? after a lot of anger, frustration, and cursing, i thought about it. people who were never able to accomplish their life ambitions force it upon others who they can control and try to vicariously live through their lives. and guess what, IT IS WRONG. of all things, a parent should be able to motivate his child and encourage him to work harder and understand concepts instead of accusing him of not working hard enough when his results don’t show. what parents don’t understand is that students do suffer exponentially more when it comes to school, peer pressure, and competition than what they experienced. 

i thought further as to what would inspire my father to utter such words and i realized that i was enjoying some time outside of the academic environment. a couple hours with my friends here and there. but then again, was i really to be penalized for enjoying maybe 15% of my winter break with others that made me smile? did my father really expect me to sit on my desk from 8 am to 10 pm without moving and engaging in other activities? was that his definition of “serious”? 

well if that’s the case, i will NEVER be “serious”. my personality embodies a lifestyle that allows for me to be well rounded and versatile. i am not someone who can stare at a book for hours on end and stay sane. just because my study habits and my personality differ from those of the idea of a perfect student implanted in my father’s brain does not mean i am not “serious”. 

SO I totally forgot about this thing, how silly of me. I guess this now gives me the opportunity to fill you all in. Well, New Years Ever was pretty low key for me. I went to a wonderful dinner at Macaroni Grill with my family, and then came home and played cards until midnight struck and 2010 arrived. I actually liked it. For once, there were no loud noises or obnoxious parties to attend with not a single person my age. It was calm, peaceful, and a great way to start the year.

January 4th was the first day of winter quarter. Although my classes proved to be quite okay for the quarter, it was horrible to find out that some loser on my campus had stolen my bike. I hope he/she understands that karma is a bitch and one day, be it this life or next, he/she will owe me big time.

Okay, that was a quick summary of the past week, and it is definitely not the main topic of today’s entry. Today is all about reflections and emotions. What to do with them… and what not to.

I need to explore specific emotions: I find it a necessity in development that every individual should undergo. The sad thing is, I am not even sure if I am in the position to risk it. On one side, I think we would be great. Relationships I understand are not directly linked to happiness, but I feel as though he could complete me. At the same time, I feel like why should I wait for someone who doesn’t see me the same way I do. For the first time in my life, I feel happy with myself. My self-esteem has increased exponentially. I am actually becoming one with the skin I walk in everyday… so should I even bother wasting time over a boy who has clearly made it obvious that he is no longer interested. I mean they always say that nice people always finish last. Does that mean they start last too? I mean seriously, I understand patience is a virtue and blah blah blah but really now? The real question here is that so many people tell me I am bound to find the perfect match… but will the day ever actually come when it happens? Oh you have so many qualities that guys like and all that junk… then why am I, well, alone?

I still don’t think I need someone to be happy. I would like to reiterate that… over and over again.

It’s just a thought…

Well, this is definitely… an experience. I’m not the one to post my thoughts and opinions on the connective thread of the planet, but I figure it will enhance my writing skills and help me cope with daily life, ya? So let’s give it a shot.

A day in the life of Sumati… currently incredibly boring. With Indian parents on your back, and a brother who cannot give you your privacy, who wouldn’t be annoyed? My friends love coming home for break: it means good food, a bigger bed, and in some cases, coming home to a jacuzzi in your bathroom and a tennis court in your backyard. Haha for me, it’s entering a sacred world of Sa Re Ga Ma Pa, an Indian version of American Idol, waking up at nine in the morning (what college student in their right mind does that?), and of course the memorable talks about building a career and finding a suitable husband. Some people call that India, I call it home in the most American suburb of California.

Four days until I make new resolutions with a hopeful yet temporary desire to complete them. Six days until I taste freedom once again. And a lifetime until I finally understand the bane of my existence.

That’s all for now :]